Manager – Phil Scholari – Gene Hackman

Popeye Doyle has recently taken control of the Blues down the Kings Road. Will it be au revoir to the French connection of Makele, Anelka & Malouda for Deco, Kaka & Villa? And will Phil be using Kryptonite to mash-up Fergie and Co next season.

Asst Manager – Leo Beenhaker – Patrick Moore

Goggle-eyed Leo has been looking to the stars with his Uncle Patrick to win the greatest title in the Solar System. Feeding his side on a diet of Mars, Galaxies & Milky Ways to keep them “light years” ahead of the opposition, they turned in some Titan performances in qualifying. The Jupiteresque Poles left the opposition Saturn their ass’s and the “Sun” referred to the performance as out of this world. How on Earth did we write this without referring to an Uranus gag?

Petr Cech – Wordy from Look & Read

Ignoring the “Fairground” style “Merry-Go-Round” at Chelsea, Petr has been taking note from old-skool kids TV legend Wordy! Geared up in the latest orange and black headgear, Cech floated around the box like his hero to stop the impressive “Shadow Play” of Ronny. His reflexes were like “A Boy From Outer Space”. Facing the Turks in the “Dark Towers” of Geneva on Sunday, he’ll be punting it long to “Magic E” Eli Onmiheadovich to nut it home. Let’s hope Leo doesn’t drop the “E”.

Zambrotta – Zorro

The mark of Z was the mark of Zorro, aka Don Quoite. The mark of skid on Don Calamity would be more appropriate after humiliation at the hands of the Orange on Monday. If only Zambrotta could have called upon his trusty steed to help him, unfortunately, he was already playing up front on the opposing team. Crazhee!!

Pepe – Sucre from Prison Break

Bald, dark-skinned Latino Sucre has been in & out of the slammer more times than Joey Barton. Always getting into trouble & being caught out, he is the complete opposite of Portugal’s Pepe, who as well as being part of a tight unit has the key to unlock any defence.

Puyol – Captain Caveman

ZOOWWEEYY CAVEY!!! The Hanna Barbara classic Neanderthal man is brought bang up to date in the form of the Spanish stopper. When it comes to big clubs, Puyol is at home with one of the best! The only thing Puyol doesn’t have in common is a gaggle of devout groupies drooling over his non existent animal charisma. ZOOWWEEYY PUUYYEEEEE!!!

Stephan Lichsteiner – Lee Evans

Lichtsteiner began his career at Grasshopper Zurich in 2001–02, about the same time Lee Evans burst onto the scene with his slap stick defending, sorry, comedy.

Luka Modric – Roland Rat

Roland Rat, Rat on the road yeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Luka Rat wasn’t born when Roland Rat was at the peak of his mega stardom back in the early 80′s. Luka Rat and Roland Rat do write to each other and Roland Rat has told Luka Rat that will will start supporting Spurs next season. Luka Rat, Rat on the pitch yeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Frank Ribery – Frankenstein

Frankenstein’s monster was a powerfully built machine that could take on 11 men & conquer all. Famous for his scarred features & nuts, he was a force to be reckoned with in middle Europe. Just like Domenech’s FRANKENRIB, the similarities are endless, even down to the NUTS. FrankenRib usually delivers them through the bandy legs of a horrified defender.

Dirk Kuyt – Rocky Dennis

Erik Stoltz played the unlucky in love and general appearance character with a face like a smack, who bravely fought against the odds before dying. But old Kirty boy won’t give a toss what happens if the Dutch lift the throphy!

Libor Sionko – Pete Tong

Like his zimmer-framed Gooner supporting DJ Hero Tong, Sionko has been taking his cue and mixing it up with his Essential Kicks. We continue… the free scoring winger has burst into the Czech VIP line-up and kept the crew pumping with a wicked set…piece against the Portugeezers on Wednesday. He’ll be hoping it won’t go a bit Pete against the Turks on ohh f-kit, this is a toon coming in, whoop! whoop!!!

Del Piero – Bruce The Boss Springsteen

Was he born in the USA or Fil’a Del Fia? The veteran is back. He was “born to run” the show for Juve scoring 21 goals last season and finished the season as Serie A top goal scorer for the first time. Can he bring back the “glory days” to the Azurri? After Monday nights’ showing, Italy will be hoping for “better days”.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy – Donkey from Shrek

The horse faced Orange striker kicks like a mule and will be hoping to kick some Froggy ass tonight. If they win, crashhee Dutch bastard Van Basten said they could stay up all night swapping manly stories and Ruud said in the morning he’d be making waffles, for shure!

© A Dexy Longshot/James Baker production

Tags: Austria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Euro 2008, FIFA, Germany, Holland, Italy, portugal, Russia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey